We are here to help you create a happy life for yourself. Welcome to Lesson #2: Distinguish Yourself. This is the second habit in Climb your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness pictured to the right.

Here is your chance to discover your full potential as a valuable person. We are building your self-esteem. This is where you develop techniques to better appreciate who you are -- to love yourself and to be yourself -- because you are wonderful!

CONTENTS

1. The lesson plan
2. Overview of Habit #2: To conform or not to conform?
3. Questions to ask yourself about building self-esteem
4. Practical tips for building self-esteem
5. A few thoughts on self-esteem
6. Mystery File: The Case of Anna's Dirty Little Secret
7. Mystery File: The Case of Adam "The Trouble-causing Lawyer"
8. Mystery File: The Case of Gavin's stutter
9. A review of Lesson #1
10. Resources for building self-esteem (books, programs)
11. Administrivia

THE LESSON PLAN

The following two sections are designed to get you thinking about Habit #2 and building self-esteem. As you focus on what it means to distinguish yourself, you are preparing to ask yourself some very personal questions in section three. Sections four and five offer some practical ideas and some motivational thoughts to help you build your self-esteem. Sections six through eight present exciting mystery files and the opportunity for you to solve the cases of the missing self-esteem.

** Remember , there are no wrong answers here, because each of us is unique. In fact, that's what this lesson is all about. In solving the mysteries in your own way, you will be building self-esteem.

Next lesson, I will share with you a few thoughts on today's mysteries, which I hope will be helpful to you. Speaking of which, we wrap up with a review of last lesson's case studies and a few thoughts about them, followed by additional resources you can use to keep on growing.

Don't forget to take notes so you can study hard for that FINAL EXAM. ;-)

Enjoy the lesson.

You are unique.I am unique.Everyoneof usis unique.Sure, we have much in common just by the fact that we are all human beings. And overall we share common emotional chords and psychological reactions. But we are not the same. Your strength might be my weakness. Your like might be my dislike. Your friend might be my enemy.

One thing we all share is the tremendous pressure to conform. It has always been this way, and it is not just Western society. Take a close look at most societies and watch how conformist they are. It is simply human nature at work. To a great degree, we need to conform. We need to fit in. After all, human beings are social animals.

But most of us take it too far. We move past a desire to fit in and tumble right into anxiety over being different. Nowhere is this more obvious than when we see skinny women trying to lose weight and look like the anorexia-driven models on TV.

Or by people who fret over how they look or what they are wearing before going out to dinner. If we show up at an event "underdressed", most of us will feel self-conscious. But a happy person should not feel too out of place. If we show up "overdressed", most of us would probably feel just a touch out of place, but not overly. If we show up at an event "undressed" ... OK, that's when you need to feel really self-conscious.

Again, let me stress that this is not a black and white issue. It is normal and even healthy to want to fit in (although, as you will read in Climb your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness, eccentrics tend to score higher than conformists on happiness scales), but it is not healthy to WORRY about fitting in. It is not healthy to feel like our differences from others or from some projected image makes us substandard in any way.

What we need are personal cheerleaders to build our self-esteem. And we are in luck. Check out the special announcement below.

Do I really like the person I see in the mirror? Do I really accept what I appear to be?

If I show up at an event "over dressed" or "underdressed", how out of place do I feel?

To what extent do I allow myself to be me, and to what extent do I let others or society define who I am (or who I feel I should be)?

Do I have any eccentricities? Should I develop any?

1. How about placing a sign on the mirror: "Hail wonderful me!". You'll see a whole new image of yourself.

2. Make a conscious decision on what areas of life, or even on what details, you will compromise to feel like you fit in or to gain acceptance, and on which areas or details you really must be yourself to, well, be yourself.

3. If you find yourself making comparisons to impossibly skinny models, impossibly rich tycoons or impossibly witty comedians -- and your self-esteem is squirming -- try comparing yourself to Howard Stern instead.

4. Try wearing something just a little outrageous, either on yourself or your home.

NOTE: There are dozens more practical tips on building self-esteem in The Get Happy Workbook pictured above.

"Nobody can be just like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it." --Tallulah Bankhead

"I will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." - Lillian Hellman

"I didn't pay attention when everyone told me I should get a real job. I love performing." -- Paula Giffin

"Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Learning to love oneself is the greatest love of all." -- Whitney Houston

"It's amazing what a little makeup and photo retouching can do. I hope it makes you feel better measuring up to us models, because most of the look comes straight out of a bottle." -- Tyra Banks

For a modern fairy tale about building self-esteem, click here For a humorous look at graying hair and how it affects our self-image, click here.

Anna doesn't like to talk about her hobby. She just loves to fix cars. She's pretty good at it, too. But it's not very ladylike, and she knows that in her neighborhood it would be frowned upon.

Oh sure, nobody would actually criticize her for it ... probably. But she knows what they would be thinking. She would love to be able to talk about her hobby. Who doesn't like to talk about what they feel passionate about? But she always feels like she has to withhold that important part of her life. She has to hide the grease on her hands like a dirty little secret. Of course, this causes Anna some discomfort.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to identify Anna's problem and at least one solution. Feel free to share your thoughts with me at Info@TheHappyGuy.com.

Adam is a lawyer in a small town. None of the lawyers give free consultations. You walk into a lawyer's office and the clock starts ticking. Adam was never very comfortable with that practice. He felt that a potential client should have the opportunity to "window shop" -- to meet him before deciding whether they were comfortable with one another. One day, he decided to offer new clients a free consultation session. He wouldn't close files in one sitting, but he would make a point of understanding the client and allowing the client to understand him.

Needless to say, the other lawyers in town were aghast. "It just isn't done!" they cried. (How many times have you heard that biting criticism?) Of course, they all felt it was unfair competition. They thought that somebody should "do something" about it. The "something" they did was shun Adam. Oh, they still played polite, but there was something in their tone. Adam sensed it, but he remained firm. He believed he was doing the right thing for his customer, so he stood his ground.

Your task now, is to analyze Adam's situation. What is he doing right? What should he be doing better? If you get the urge, please feel free to share your thoughts with me at Info@TheHappyGuy.com (Why not?)

Gavin stutters. It's not his fault; that's just how he was born or how he developed early on. Of course, he knows all about being teased. You know what kids are like. As an adult, he not only suffers from poor communication skills, but from utter shyness to communicate. Adults don't actually laugh, of course -- at least not to his face. But they do sometimes whisper or give funny looks, and even when they don't, Gavin is sure they do.

This type of shyness puts quite a cramp on Gavin's lifestyle. He avoids going anywhere or to any event where he might have to speak with people. All his social skills are suffering, as well as his enjoyment of life.

Your assignment is to define the barriers between Gavin and a happy life and to help him destroy those barriers. If you have some ideas to help build hise self-esteem, please send them to Info@TheHappyGuy.com. I love to hear your ideas.

Let's review the mysteries we read about in Lesson #1, and see if we can solve the cases:

The Case of Marlene's Useless Job Marlene was feeling worthless because she was expecting to accomplish too much. She asks, "Would the world change if I didn't show up for work?" The answer, of course, is "No". The world would remain the same, but some people would be affected. And who knows what chain reaction would be set in motion if Marlene did not show up. Worse still is what will happen if she does show up with such a negative attitude. The world will change, ever so slightly, but not for the better. Marlene needs to borrow a page from the salesperson's guide to happiness ... focus on the customer. Or on the user. Or on whomever benefits from what she does. Surely she makes something easier, faster, cheaper, better, greener, softer, cleaner or more accessible for somebody. That should be her focus. She IS useful. She IS doing good for somebody. She IS worthwhile. Or she should find a job she finds more fulfilling

The Case of Jason's Party Pooping Jason threw good time after bad. All we really have in life are ourselves and time to spend. Jason lost an hour through a foolish little mistake. Did I mention that it was a *little* mistake. The hour was lost. It was up to him how to spend the three hours he would have left for the party. He chose misery for the first, glumness for the second, and joy for the third. If he was trying to punish himself for a little mistake, he probably went overboard. One lost hour should have been enough. Jason could have used the northbound drive to focus on how he wanted to feel going forward ... how he could spend the limited time he had in the evening. He could have written off the lost hour like a sunk cost, a bad loan, water under the bridge, graffiti on the wall, a wart hog bathing in the swimming pool ... you get the idea.

The Case of Velma's Defiant Camera This is a simple one, one that nevertheless took me -- from a shutterbug family -- some time to figure out. Velma is moping about because her entire vacation is ruined. She just feels lousy. Hey, Velma had a wonderful vacation. She tasted food, experienced fresh air, touched exotic cactus (ouch!) and felt wonderful. Why should she now feel horrible about something she should still be enjoying. Her entire vacation hasn't been ruined just the photographs. Of course, Velma is not alone. How easy it is to take one little error and treat it like a universal failure. Velma needs to separate her photographs from her vacation, so that she can recognize the failure (and hopefully find a way to correct it for next week's family reunion) and also recognize the success of a truly splendid vacation.

There are two good self-esteem books to recommend. One can be quite helpful: Self Matters by Phil McGraw (Dr. Phil). The other is simply a matter of interest: Eccentrics: a Study of Sanity and Strangeness by David Weeks.

There are a couple good programs that might be helpful to someone struggling with building self-esteem and self-image. Some of these are the same as I recommended in the previous lesson, as the subject matter is similar.

Free personality test
Higher Awareness helps you discover yourself better and accept yourself ... even with your limitations.
How Much Joy helps you balance all those little things, feel every little success and squeeze a little more joy out of life.

There are also several good articles on building self-esteem, including a self-esteem test, in The Self-actualization Resource Center. (See banner above)

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