Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never sleeps" should visit The Maternity Ward. My recent visit included a drop-in on several screenings of "A Star Is Born" at the late-show theatre, right near Mama's Breast (all night milk bar) and Papa's Gas Station ("We burp you on your way.").

To a chorus of infant cries, I am drafting this column at 1:00 a.m. Of course, it is 3:00 p.m. in Tokyo, so I suppose it isn't so late after all.

The whole experience of child birth seems to be a very traumatic way to build a family. Fortunately, it did lead to two very happy results. It gave me a new daughter, Lauralee, the Little Sister. And it taught me some valuable lessons, which it is my patriotic duty to share with you.

The first lesson – all men, take note – is that my wife is my hero. Amazingly, she survived this traumatic birth story.

As the husband, I experienced the whole child-birth outburst second-hand. After careful observation, I conclude that this is the best way to experience it. (Apparently I had some first-hand experience over 40 years ago, but I can't remember too many details.)

Most husbands suffer great humiliation during child birth. Wives hurl razor-sharp insults like "I hate you!" and "You fink!" and "You did this to me!" and "I HATE YOU!!!" My wife, truly original even in pure agony, didn't use any of those words. In fact, she didn't say a thing. Instead, she threw up on me.

Of course, I don't hold the throwing up against her. The second child-birth lesson is the importance of forgiving people who act in haste, in anger, or in excruciating pain from pushing a six-inch wide baby through a one-inch wide hole in their bodies.

The birth story takes a turn for the worse

The survivor of our child-birth story, Little Sister, after five minutes

Did I mention that this was a "natural" child birth? Natural, as in no painkillers. OK, so there was the epidural, which should have relieved the pain, if even one of the four dosage increases had worked. And I suppose you could call morphine and nubain painkillers if they had actually killed any pain.

So my wife, with a permanent back condition amplifying the stab of every contraction and reverberating it through her spine with no momentary relief between contractions, felt every glorious minute – 487 in all – of the unplanned "natural" child birth. Did I mention that she is my hero? The third lesson of this birth story is, when the best-laid plans go astray, improvise (which might explain the throwing up – I have reason to believe that was not planned, either).

My wife's trauma was nothing compared to what Little Sister overcame. Her shoulders got stuck, pinching the umbilical cord and cutting the oxygen supply from her not-quite-yet-born brain. To do the equivalent, you would have to press your shoulder up into your nose, while a bulldozer on steroids pushes you in a river of blood through your mailbox. (Don't try this at home, folks.)

Thanks to Quick Thinking Doctor, the focused team of nurses, and a well-sharpened pair of scissors, Little Sister is enjoying great suction at the all-night milk bar with no more damage than a limp arm. (That's "brachial plexus injury" in medicalese.)

The arm will hopefully recover. Even if it doesn't, we know what the alternative would have been ... and we do not look good in black. Lesson number four from this child birth story is to appreciate what you have rather than worry about what you don't.

The Maternity Ward offers far too many lessons to share with you now. My fatigue is overtaking me at this hour, as I battle the flu I developed in the delivery room (strangest child-birth symptom I had ever heard of!). I feel like a wad of gum squished on the asphalt, baked in the sun, and stuck on a motorcycle tire burning rubber on a gravel trail. Ha! Bet you never felt like that in New York, New York.

The survivor of our child-birth story, Little Sister, after three days

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